-- Num ---- Username ---- Category ------------- Posted -- Expires --- Pages ---
| 44448 | STU_RSFURR   | STORIES              | 12/15/92 | 12/22/92 |     7    |
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
| Description: sermon more                                                     |
================================================================================

-- Num ---- Username ---- Category ------------- Posted -- Expires --- Pages ---
| 37488 | STU_RSFURR   | CHATTER              | 10/04/91 | 10/18/91 |     7    |
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
| Description: Reply to 37486: Amen brother....AMEN!!!!   :P                   |
================================================================================
 
>of our stomach lining is to add to our system that which our system
>really would be much happyer accepting in the lesser degree of quantity...
>YEA INTROTUS BEWARE!!!! for if'n thou dost steppest upon this spot
>upon yon floor, then thou shalt be a'forced to clean yon floor with
>thine tounge! <-----------*can you say run.on.sentence children?
>                           I knew that you could!*
>
>=============================================================================
>Sex...oh my children is the passage way to the devil....for there be no
>quicker route to sin and depravation than to fall prey to our desires...
>we must force ourselves to overlook our needs and passions...for only in
>this way can we ever hope to achieve true SALVATION.....*Can.I.Get.An.AMEN*
>
>YES brothers and sisters.........the devil is inside of all of us and it is
>when we use sex for other than what GOD intended it that he is released into
>our presence and we lose all hope of ever being...SAV------CLICK------
 
 
brethren and sisthren, it is with a heavy heart that i come before you
today, yea, a heavy heart, laden with concerns for the world, for today,
yea, TODAY, i did hear a FALSE PROPHET speaking on many topics, both
seemingly fair and surpassingly foul, and the masses did LISTEN to this false
prophet, this source of doom, for his words, whatever their import, were
masked with a SHIELD of gold, a mask that made all seem good and true,
but I must warn you, my flock, my convocation of lost souls, my reptile
fanciers, and stamp collectors, my little set of matching china, that his
words lead to the PIT of DOOM, and that he is a PIED PIPER, like unto
that played on "Faerie Tale Theatre" by Eric Idle (who is one of the ONLY
people ALIVE that could SURVIVE such a HARROWING role), whose only goal is
to lead the people of the WORLD into the clutches of his evil master,
Harold Stassen, the Anti-Iguana, and his evil sidekick, Tail-Gunner Joe,
lord of the Hell-City of Danzig!
 
Today, I take my text from Vaclav Havel's "The Memorandum," Act 1, scene
1: "Ra ka hutu, de ke trembomu."
 
We may all take heart from this text, yea, for it truly shows us the WAY,
the one and true HOPE of the WORLD to survive this ASSAULT on the very
FIBER and FABRIC, but more importantly the FIBER of this storm-tossed
planet's INNER COLON. For, is it not clear to EVERYONE that ra ka DOES
hutu, or more accurately, hutuneplex (because hutu is only the simplified,
more direct form of the verb hutni, as everyone knows.)
 
Yes, there is a RAY of hope, that we have been TOLD to believe in by the
power of SACRED SCRIPT, nay, SACRED SANS SERIF, but the way is hard, and
the cost could be high, might be high, will be high. It will not be easy,
nay, not even as easy as voting Democratic in a presidential election, nor
as simple as a slipping on a banana in the middle of a rain of hydrochloric
acid in the middle of Aphrodite Terra on the planet Venus, while yodelling
the theme song to "the Simpsons." The way will be long, and hard, but those
who persevere, those who WIN THROUGH the temptations of the flesh, will
be REWARDED with free, complimentary subscriptions to the Readers' Digest,
and a year's supply of Turtle Wax, the San Francisco Treat.
 
But before I inform you of the path of RIGHTEOUSNESS, we must catalog
the CRIMES of this false prophet, to inspire in you the correct amount
of LOATHING and DISGUST that accompany ALL great crusades, especially
the crusade against GUM DISEASE, the crusade against INEXPENSIVE LIVER
TRANSPLANTS, and the crusade against RISING POPCORN PRICES AT MOVIE
THEATRES.
 
 
First and foremost in his CATALOG of INFAMY, he attacked Pearl Harbor,
on November 7th, 1941. Truly, a day that will live in infamy forever,
or at least as long as George Bush is in the white house, even though
his VILE DEED was forgotten and wiped from the history books by the
SECOND attack, a little later that year. Yea, even now, the FAITHFUL
keep a candle burning in the window, if they live in Hawaii, to commemorate
his vile deed.
 
It was early, and most of the base was asleep, when this FALSE PROPHET
came to Pearl Harbor. The sky was grey and sullen that chill Hawaii morn,
and no one on the base suspected the horror that was soon to burst upon
them, for the FALSE PROPHET had yet to make his move. He snuck onto the
base with a baseball bat, and, looking around, he went and hit the dirt
of the base! Again, and again, he pounded the base, until there was a
fairly large dent in the ground, and he only ceased his relentless attack
when he was hauled off by two MPs, and sent to Guatanamo Bay.
 
SECOND, and hardly less terrible, was his mention, in APPROVING TERMS,
of the Power of the Tongue. However, we, the eternally vigilant, the
eternally faithful, HAVE SEEN THE POWER of the Evil Mr. Tongue :P,
and we KNOW that the tongue, in however servile and icky a posture it may
be, is a deciever, a trickster, and something that you can't use to type
with. He is seeking to WARP the MINDS of the little ones in our contingent!
But WE WILL NOT ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN TO _OUR_ Captain! Even though OUR
Captain is the owner of an INFLATABLE sheep WITH ORIFICES, he is still TOO
pure and saintly to be allowed to even HEAR this HARBRINGER of DOOM's
mention of TONGUES.
 
THIRDLY, he has been seen in the presence of LOOSE women (that is, women
who are NOT tied up! BEgorrah!), and even worse, he has been seen in the
presence of women who HAVE BEEN tied up, or possibly covered with non-dairy
whipped topping, and this sort of PROFLIGATE and IMMORAL behavior canNOT
continue, mainly because the DAIRY INDUSTRY needs all the help it can get,
What of the little ones? The gnomes? The faeries? The smurfs? What of them?
Can we allow THEM to be corrupted by this behavior, especially since there's
only ONE female smurf?
 
AND finally, he is attempting to USURP control of the hearts and minds of
ALL of JMU by his clever and subtle method of belonging to EVERY campus
organization, and controlling them by methods both subtle and overt! He was
there when the SGA authorized the selling of potatoes to Irish farmers,
and he suggested that the SFA invade Grenada! He is the source of all
dissention in Harrisonburg, for only through dissention can he do his evil
will!
 
And the solution to this FALSE PROPHET is simple! We must declare holy war
on him! We must raise high the banner of the Iguana, and trample him into
the dust! We must eradicate his kind, and make the world safe for the Fruit
of the Month Club! Yes! Halleujah! Yea!
 
   let us make small "whoop"ing noises.
 
the rgt.hon.rev.ronin