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| 44412 | STU_RSFURR   | STORIES              | 12/15/92 | 12/22/92 |     7    |
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| Description: the incomplete "How To Be Tall"                                 |
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                              HOW TO BE TALL
               a self-help guide for the altitude-impaired
 
Part I
Introduction
 
    Welcome to HOW TO BE TALL, your best pathway to INCREASED ALTITUDE!
This book will teach you how to raise your outlook on life, how to stand
out from the crowd, and how to have problems fitting into normal bathtubs.
A word of warning should come first...if you are not truly ready for
YOUR horizons to be broadened, YOUR life to change forever, in such
a way as to cause your EVERY desire to be fufilled instantly, if you are
not aware that the way may be hard, the way may be painful, and filled
with risks of imprisonment, medical problems, splitting headaches, and,
yes, death...then YOU should put this book down RIGHT NOW and run away
VERY, VERY fast, wearing medically-approved track shoes and some form
of truss.
 
    Still here? Good. Great. That means you've probably already bought
this book, which means that WE don't have to eat as many printing costs
as we thought we would. We would therefore like to thank you.
 
    Unfortunately, we can't, because WE'RE tall, and therefore, are
smug, self-assured people who TAKE what we want, and CRUSH the little
people beneath our excruciatingly large feet. BWAhahahahahahaa.
 
    So there.
 
Part II
Why You Want To Be Tall
 
Being tall is more than height. It's a state of mind. Being tall is
being aware of one's height. Being tall is being better than short
people. Being tall is, self-evidently, the highest form of being.
Tallness is better than shortness. We'd think that was obvious.
 
But for those short people among you who have insufficent length of
spinal column, and thus, insufficent neuron density in their body,
we'll point out a few benefits.
 
1: Being tall stimulates the economy. Tall people require more cloth
   to make their clothes, which employs more people to make the cloth.
   Bigger cars, larger servings at mealtime, and so on, are prime
   economic incentives. Having a mere 10% more tall people in America
   would increase the GNP by a staggering 47%, thus making America strong
   and much taller on average.
 
2: Tall people are better lovers. Since all parts of the body are enlarged
   on tall people, we can see that the various secondary and primary sex
   characteristics are also enlarged, thus making tall people more fun at
   parties.
 
3: Tall people spread "breathing room" out over a greater vertical distance,
   thus improving the general health of the nation, and, naturally, preventing
   ugly little happenings like the invasion of Czechoslovokia.
 
Part III
Preparing to Become Tall
 
    Due to the immense risks in becoming tall, you must be physically
and psychically prepared for the change. Some people prepare for years
before becoming tall, others can accomplish the feat in less than fifty
minutes, although with severe aftereffects due to the lack of anesthesia
during the necessary operations.  Since we, the tall people of America,
really don't want to have hundreds of thousands of damaged and basically
unfit to live tall people, we believe very strongly that you, the prospective
tall person, should prepare, using the following ten-step procedure.
 
Step One: Altitude Differential
 
The most basic change the new tall person faces is the lessened level of
oxygen available to his or her lungs. Anoxia is a common aliment for the
newly tall person.
 
The key word one must become familar with in this step is "adjustment."
A sudden change in oxygen levels can leave one confused, hallucinating,
staggering, and, in extreme cases, dead. Therefore, we suggest that you
do the following while preparing to become tall.
 
First, nail your bed to the ceiling. This will allow you to experience
the higher altitudes that tall people live with every day, during the
time that your oxygen needs are at their lowest. Eight hours of sleep
at these new altitudes will gradually get your body used to its new
situation. Be sure to have a tank of medical (not welding) oxygen by
your bed during the first weeks, as incautious short people can occasionally
oversleep, thus depriving their body of essential oxygen at a critical
time of their lives...morning.
 
Second, attach Velcro to all the ceilings in buildings where you commonly
work or live. This will allow you to occasionally "jump up" to a greater
height, and drop down when the dizziness hits. This may cause short people
to look at you oddly, but that's okay, as we, the undersigned, regard
short people as being no better than people who live in Trenton.
 
Pittsburgh is also no good.
 
Step Two: Physical Attunement
 
In the first phases of becoming tall, we would recommend eating a wide variety
of fruits and vegetables, meats, poultry, breads and cereals, and steroids.
One must be in proper shape to become tall, as the muscles of a short person,
when spread out over a tall person's skeleton, are insufficent to the task,
unless properly pumped up and toned. I recommend a good b-flat tone when a
muscle is struck, unless the muscle is the famous "love muscle," in which case
the tone should sound more like "AARRRrrrguuuhuhuhuhhhggggggggg."
 
As the becoming tall procedure progresses, the prospective tall person will
begin to notice agonizing pains developing in ligaments and connective
tissues. Pay this no mind. The massive amounts of steroids ingested by
the P.T.P. (prospective tall person) may also cause severe derangement and
possible inst