-- Num ---- Username ---- Category ------------- Posted -- Expires --- Pages --- | 44466 | STU_RSFURR | STORIES | 12/15/92 | 12/22/92 | 13 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- | Description: ben brown iii:superguy | ================================================================================ /post superguy /subject the extreme team The Extreme Team Issue #1 by Ben Brown & Rob Furr Time: 12:27 a.m. Place: Bob City Morgue. "Well, that about wraps it up for tonight," said cheif embalmer George Plugbanter. "What about this one?" asked assistant embalmer Boris Spewack, pointing at a body lying strapped to a gurney. "Oh, that's Lucky Louie McScum," said Plugbanter, "We'll leave him until morning. He won't go anywhere." The two morticians collapsed in gales of laughter, and grabbing their coats, sauntered out of the room, slamming the swinging doors behind them. It was the slamming of these swinging doors that rocked the gurney ever so slightly, so that it began to move. The construction of the building was poorly done, so that the floors all tilted slightly toward the east. The upshot of this was that the cart on which the body of Lucky Louie McScum lay began to roll toward the still swinging doors, picking up a little speed. As it passed through the doors, it was his squarely on the end by one, and went careening down the hall, the body of the late Mr. McScum still strapped to it. The gurney reached the end of the hall, crashed through an open window, shearing the legs off of the cart, and went flying out into the street. -------------------- Frank Windersniddle of Frank's Transport Inc. was making a late night delivery of typing paper to Bob City Hall, when he heard a strange noise, like something landing on top of his truck, however, as it was raining (no suprise there) and he had a schedule to keep he decided not to pay any attention to it. The superhero they call Bulletproof, was out on a nightly patrol, and having been going in the same direction for some distance, has managed to build up some speed. Frank Windersniddle headed down Josef Stalin Boulevard toward the City Hall. He passed 83rd street at 40 miles per hour. Suddenly, a bright object came into view. He tried to wheel the truck away. "Look out!" yelled bulletproof as he realized that his brakes had failed again. The tremendous crash that followed sent Frank Windersniddle's truck spinning 360 degrees. Reams upon reams of typing paper flew up into the air, as well as the body of Lucky Louie McScum. -------------------- Arnold Lee's Chinese Laundry was one of a dying breed of shops run by traditional ethnic stereotypes in a city that had largely succumbed to political correctness. It was in this laundry that Arnold Lee's employee and soon to be brother in law, Edgar Wong, was working hard. Edgar had just stepped out back to drink some orange juice, and therefore didn't notice the body flying through the open skylight. "Hey, boss?" called Edgar upon finding the corpse a few minutes later, "There's a dead body in here." Arnold Lee, his curiosity peaked, came to have a look see. "What's he wearing?" asked Lee, coming out of the office. "Just his underwear," said Edgar. "He's lying in a hamper, strapped to a stretcher and staring at me." "I guess we'll leave him there for now." said Lee. "But what if the police show up?" protested Edgar. "We can't just have him sitting here in his underwear." "Okay, I'll get something out of the unclaimed pile." answered Mr. Lee. -------------------- A few minutes later, they had dressed the late Mr. McScum in blue pants, and a red sweatshirt with a large letter "D" on it. "I still don't like the way he's staring at me. Couldn't we put something over his head?" asked Edgar. Arnold Lee produced a black ski mask and forced it down over Lucky Louie's head. "That should do okay," he said. "Say, I just about got the books done. You wanna knock off early?" "I don't know," answered Edgar Wong,"I don't wanna go home. My sister keeps playing the song 'Mr. Lee' over and over again." Mr. Lee looked at his future brother-in-law. "What have I gotten myself into?" he asked. -------------------- At 9:30 the next morning, Lee and Wong, after an all night bout of drinking, playing video games, and watching old movies, returned to Lee's Chinese Laundry to find the body gone (more grammatically, to not find the body.) "Wha. . ." said Edgar to the morning shift. "We sent the baskets out," said the shift supervisor, "just like always. What are you staring at, Ed?" Lee hustled Edgar into the office. "You don't know anything, right?" he said. "Uh huh. . ." said Edgar. "It's out of our hands," said Lee. "Uh. . ." said Edgar. -------------------- As regular as clockwork, the rolling hamper containing the body of Lucky Louie was rolled into the service entrance of the Walford Arms Hotel, one of the poshest establishments in Bob City. (Best Beds in Bob) Jim Wymanson, an averge hotel employee wheeled the hamper down a service hallway in the hotel. Jim whistled softly to himself as he turned the corner where only a door seperated him from the incredibly swanky lobby of the hotel. Suddenly something caught his eye. It was a toe. Not that he had never seen a toe before, but this one had a little tag reading "D.O.A." strapped to it. "WAAAAGHH!" screamed Jim, pushing the hamper away from him, through the swinging door, and down the short ramp into the main lobby. "Oops?" concluded Jim, sneaking off somewhere to be not around when the police came through. -------------------- "Hand over da diamonds," came a voice from behind Mrs. Hermina Van der Williger-terHorst--Smythe, ludicrously wealthy society matron of Bob City. "Oh, dear me," said Mrs. Van der Williger--terHorst--Smythe. Just then a flying form hit the would be thief in the small of the back. Knocking him into the revolving doors of the Walford Arms hotel. As if simply to complicate matters, just then the police arrived. "Hold it!" said Bert, whipping out his somewhat larger than necessary handgun. "What he said!" echoed Sam. "This is a .50 mag Desert Eagle," said Bert, menacing the criminal, "It could blow your head clean off your body, but unfortunately it's as likely to tear my right hand off of MY body if I actually attempt to fire it, but as it is big and looks incredibly menacing, I am going to threaten you with it anyway, because, at this range, it most likely WOULD hit you anyway no matter what it did to my body, and it's heavy enough that if I just THREW it at you it would still probably do a significant amount of damage. As I have not fired it yet, the possibility of me having run out of bullets is significantly reduced. Therefore I will NOT ask you if you feel lucky because at this time it is, to put it simply, irrelevant." Sam applauded quietly. The crook gave himself up. Lucky Louie McScum did nothing. "Say, Bert," said Sam, suddenly noticing the body of the late Mr. McScum. "There's someone over here." "That man saved my life," said Mrs. Hermina Van der Williger-terHorst- Smythe. Bert and Sam inspected the sprawled figure. "He's dead," said Bert who noticed first. "Why so he is," said Sam realizing his associate spoke the truth. "Mrs. Van der Williger-terHorst-Smythe," said Sam, "This is a dead man." "Deadman?" said the matron, "A Superhero. I was saved by a Superhero. Deadman will get a medal for this I'm sure." Sam and Bert came, without speaking, to an agreement that it was probably better that way. As Sam handcuffed the criminal, Bert picked up the corpse and proceeded to carry it through the revolving doors. A There was a rumbling sound. "Hey guys, I got a new set of brakes!" yelled Bulletproof as he passed. "Watch!" With that he applied his brakes which promptly locked, sending the rather top heavy hero sprawling on his armor plated front. "Wow!" said Sam and Bert. Lucky Louie McScum said nothing. Sam and Bert sauntered over to the prone crimefighter, grabbing the jack from the back of their police car on the way. With great effort, they managed to prop the multi-ton champion of justice up to the point where he could get himself back up. "Thanks" said Bulletproof, "by the way, who's that person in the interesting looking costume?" "It's a dead man." said Sam. "He saved Mrs. Van der Williger-terHorst-Smythe," said Bert. "A new hero," mused Bulletproof, "I wonder if he'd like to join the Extreme Team." "Maybe we should see who he is," suggested Bert. "What?" asked Bulletproof, shocked at the suggestion, "reveal his secret identity?" "Well, yeah," said Sam. "We could," said Bulletproof, "but that would be against," he looked reverently at the sky and held his right hand up, "the Superhero's Code." "Well, cops don't have a code like that," explained Bert, "So we're going to take him around back and have a look at him." Sam and Bert dragged the corpse around to the loading dock behind the Walford Arms Hotel, and took the ski mask off of him. "Well I'll be," said Bert, "It's Lucky Louie McScum." "Hey, how about that," said Sam, "I wonder what he's doing here." "Dunno," said Bert, "Just lucky, I guess. What d'ya suppose we should do with him." "No idea," said Sam, "Let's start by taking him around front." The pulled the ski mask back over his head and dragged him back around. Mrs. Van der Williger-terHorst-Smythe and a crowd of reporters was waiting for them. "What's Deadman going to do next?" asked a reporter. "Well," Bert began. "He's going to be the newest member of the Extreme Team," cut in Bulletproof. With that, he picked up the deceased form, placed him on his shoulder, and motored off down the street. Sam and Bert looked at each other, and silently came to the conclusion that it was best not to make waves when dealing with superheroes. They climbed in their car and headed back to the police station. WILL LUCKY LOUIE MCSCUM (AKA DEADMAN) BE A WORTHWHILE MEMBER OF THE TEAM???? WILL SAM AND BERT SHOW UP AGAIN????? WILL BULLETPROOF GET HIS BRAKES FIXED????? for the answer to these and other chilling questions, stay tuned to. . . SSS U U PPPP EEEEE RRRR GGG U U Y Y ! S S U U P P E R R G G U U Y Y ! S U U P P E R R G U U Y Y ! S U U PPPP EEEE RRRR G U U Y ! S U U P E R R G GG U U Y ! S S U U P E R R G G U U Y SSS UUU P EEEEE R R GGG UUU Y !