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| 44444 | STU_RSFURR   | STORIES              | 12/15/92 | 12/22/92 |     9    |
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| Description: scripture!                                                      |
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The Revised New Definitive Apocryphal Scripture And Other Amusing Anecdotes
 
(We have been fortunate enough to accquire a copy of the Scripture of the
Third Apocrypha, and are currently hard at work producing a translation
of this monumental work for this materialistic age. Presented here for the
first time are selections from the Scripture, with annotations and notes
from the translators.)
 
Book One: Goldwyn
 
Verse 1:
(in reality, this selection has long been the subject of debate among
scholars, as the original Aramaic was written in Chinese ideograms.
We therefore present the most popular interpretations:)
 
Version A:
 
In the beginning, darkness lay upon the face of the deep, and the
Word was spoken, and the Word was "ooWOPbaBAlooBOBooWOPbamBOOM!"
Yea, and the first place was Motown, and Motown lay eternal and
still until the great Godfather arose to bring life from lifelessness,
and soul from soullessness...
 
...and on the third day he created man...
 
and on the seventh day he rested, and he looked out at what he had
created, and he said, "I feel good!"
 
but we knew that he would, now.
 
Version B:
 
The Cosmic Egg lay in the Nest of the Void, contemplating the omlette
that it would soon become, and lo, the Cosmic Egg cracked, and fell
into the Frying Pan of the Materialistic Universe. And lo, the great
Spatula of the Materiallists came and stirred the Cosmic Egg into
great whorls, and turbulences, and masses of congealed Cosmic Albumin,
which began to glow of the heat of the Infinite Frying Pan, the
Frying Pan Shlomo. And yea, the Universe Egg became the Universe
as we know it, but be warned, be fearful of the Coming of the Adding
of the Chopped Ham.
 
Version C:
 
In the beginning, the primordial slime stirred, endless and icky,
seeking to shape itself into the forms of truth, justice, and the
primordial way!
 
Unfortunately, that got cancelled, and the universe went into summer
repeats.
 
 
(Meanwhile, our lawyers have advised us that this'll sell better
if we put something in that the TV producers can turn into something
featuring stop-motion puppets and Charlton Heston. So, we bring
you a Story from the Scripture of the Third Apocrypha:
 
And lo, in that time, there lived a man, alone upon a hill.
And yea, he was the walrus. He was the egg man. Koo koo kachoo.
 
(translator's notes: this story was translated by the same team
that produced version B of the Third Apocrypha.)
 
At any rate, this man was named "Bob."
 
And in those times there also lived an extremely rich man.
Yea, he was rich. Whoa nelly, he was rich. Did I mention he
was rich? Well, he was _loaded_. Money money money money.
Gobs of it. We're talking serious bucks here.
 
And this man (not the rich one, the other one) was, to put
it in a metaphorical nutshell (actually, we're putting it in
these vases and leaving it near the Red Sea. But that's not
the point.) broke. Not a walnut. Totally destitute. The
ultimate tax write-off.
 
And it came to pass in those days that the Assyrians were
running around and robbing people. "Taxes?" they said.
"Who needs taxes? WE got swords! Iron ones, not those lousy
bronze ones that everybody else has. We're studs. Big studs.
Yeah buddy."
 
And the Assyrians came to this man (again, the broke one,
not the rich one.) and inquired as to the state of his
finances.
 
The man rose up, and said in a loud, clear voice, "Why are
you bothering me? Why not go talk to the rich one. I'm
the broke one. Haven't you been reading this story?"
 
And lo, the Assyrians went back and checked the story,
and realized they had been confused, what with the confusion
about the pronouns, due to the fact that they, like all
Assyrians, skipped right over the material in the
parentheses.
 
And so, the Assyrians went off and robbed the rich man,
and cut the poor man in on a share of the profits,
due to the fact that he had clued them in on the rich
man in a part of the story that was edited out die to
budget considerations.
 
Thus endeth the lesson."
 
note: we, the translators, expect that this charming
little story will soon become a major motion picture.
reserve your tickets now.)
 
Verse 2:
 
Version A:
Jupiter was in the second house, and Venus was eclipsed by Mars.
And, lo, it was the dawning of the Age of Aquarius, the Age of
Aquarius, whooowooooooius.
 
And the potatotes were flung into the sea, whereupon they sank
through the depths, and landed in the octopus's garden, in the
sea, where they grew next to the sea cucumber.
 
Meanwhile, the British invaded.
 
Version B:
You all did see that on the Lupercal, I thrice
presented him with a kingly crown, which he did
thrice refuse. Did this in Caesar seem ambitious?
Yet Brutus says he was ambitions, and Brutus is
an honorable man. So are they all, all honorable
men. Yeah buddy.
 
Version C:
Chocolate(sugar,chocolate liquor,cocoa butter, whole milk, butterfat,
lecithin/an emulsifier, vanilla, and vanillin/an artifical flavor),
corn syrup, sugar, nuts(almonds,pecans,walnuts,cashews,brazils), dairy
cream, brown sugar, vegetable oils (partially hydrogenated pressed palm
kernel, cottonseed), peanut butter, coconut with sodium metabisulfate,
cherries,invert sugar, molasses, salt, raisins, apricots, egg albumen,
honey, natural and artifical flavors, raspberries, butter, cocoa powder,
spice, tapioca flour, lark's vomit, fd & c colors (red #3 and #40, blue #1)
lecithin, citric acid, potassium sorbate, and benzoate of soda to
preserve freshness; pectin, a trace of sulfur dioxide, and contains
one or more of the following: evaporated milk, concentrated milk, or
sweetened condensed milk.
 
   well, that's all we've got translated now. Our translators are
working overtime to finish the next few verses, but the next set
seems to be Minoan, in Mayan heiroglyphics, so we've got a little
bit of a challenge ahead of us.
 
       the rgt.hon.rev.ronin
       the Pope of All New York, Ivory IV