-- Num ---- Username ---- Category ------------- Posted -- Expires --- Pages --- | 44401 | STU_RSFURR | STORIES | 12/15/92 | 12/22/92 | 9 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- | Description: bob & rob mouthin off at the movies | ================================================================================ Rob'N'Bob: Mouthin Off at the Movies by Robin Furr and Robert Whisonant (cheery music, with a really awesome tuba part, swells in the background, as the credits roll by.) (cheery music gradually dies, showing two people sitting in what looks to be movie theater, one of which is wearing a glow-in-the-dark viking helmet, and the other is wearing a Fishbone T-shirt, both of whom are pigging out on pretzels, Mr. Freezes, and Cheerwine, the Ultimate Soft Drink) Rob: Greetings and salutations!!! Bob: Hullo. Rob: (arms extended in warm friendship) Boy, are we glad to see ya!! How the heck r'ya? Bob: Hullo. Rob: Today, we're gonna talk about one of the worst movies EVER to hit the big screen. And for those of you who have seen "Perils of Gwendoline in the Land of Yik Yak", you know that's quite an accomplishment. Bob: "Worst" movies? Oh, get a life! This movie was loads of fun, and it was one of the better movies to come out this summer. Rob: We are speaking of course of "Darkman", and how you sat through that movie without heaving, I'll never know. Bob: This movie is about a man who HAPPENS to be a scientist who HAPPENS to be working on a synthetic skin formula who HAPPENS to be dating a girl who HAPPENS to stumble across evidence of nastiness and who HAPPENS to be out of the apartment when the nasties HAPPEN to come around when the scientist HAPPENS to be there and HAPPENS to get beat up. Well, the nasties blow the place up, and the scientist HAPPENS to survive and HAPPENS to be found and taken to a hospital who HAPPENS to have his nerves cut which HAPPENS to increase his strength (trust me on this one) and HAPPENS to escape. Well, he HAPPENS to find a nice jacket and goes to his old lab where his equipment HAPPENS to still be operational, so he HAPPENS to find another abandoned building and starts using his synthetic skin to look like anyone else and give the baddies a run for their money. Rob: Doesn't this strike you as a little, oh shall we say, odd? Bob: No. Should it? Rob: THE ENTIRE MOVIE IS COMPLETE AND UTTER BULL(because this is a family show, all explicitives from here on out will be dubbed "potato")POTATO!!!! THIS POTATO MOVIE WAS POTATOING *BAD*!!!! THERE WAS NOTHING REMOTELY POTATOING REAL OR POTATOING REDEEMABLE ABOUT THIS POTATOING MOVIE!!! Bob: Ok, so there's an element that calls for "suspension of reality"... Rob: Suspension of bullpotato is more like it. Bob: Oh, come on. This movie was as believable as Batman, and a lot more fun to watch. Rob: You have GOT to be kidding. Comparing this movie to Batman is like comparing gold to a potato (to avoid confusion, the word potato here is ACTUALLY talking about a potato). Bob: Darkman had a good pace, plenty of action, the traditional number of hokie lines, and it threw in some interesting visuals. I had fun at this movie. I don't think any Oscars are going to this movie, except maybe "Best Melting Skin Award." It's not a major artistic achievement. It does not probe the inner depths of humanity as much as other movies. But it had some neat visuals and raised a few questions. Rob: Like whether or not my stomach can finish watching this movie. I cannot begin to tell you how utterly bad, utterly disappointing, utterly (dare i say) stupid, (oh, yes, DEFINITELY stupid) utterly horrible, utterly contemptable, utterly uninteresting.... Bob: Rob, it's time for a commercial break. You can finish when we come back. Rob: ...utterly abominable, utterly dumb, utterly terrible, utterly antidisestablishmentarianism (sorry, i just like using that word) utterly rotten..... break to commercials about Chevy Fords, Pillsbury Danishes, and Paula Abdul dancing on a huge can of Coke . . . . . . . . . . . . Rob: ...utterly putrid, utterly insipid, utterly, gee, i don't have any more adjectives. Bob: Well, that's too bad. Rob: Isn't it, though. Bob: Sure is. Rob: Well, Bob, now that I've evidently finished _my_ review of this movie, let's hear _your_ side of this story. Bob: Well, Rob, Darkman has a nifty logo. Rob: That it does. Bob: It's got a nifty soundtrack. Rob: It does? Bob: Music by Danny Elfman. Says so right on the poster. Rob: You're right. It does. I didn't notice. I was too busy throwing popcorn at the screen. Bob: Good makeup. Rob: Yep. Good makeup. And I did like the bit where his hand caught on fire. Bob: A few of the visuals were good enough for me to sit up and take notice. Like, for instance.... Rob: Yeah? Bob: Gimmie a minute. Rob: (hums theme to Jeopardy.) Bob: Oh, yeah, there was the bit with the helicopter scene. Rob: You were impressed by that? Bob: Sure. Rob: Did you ever see a TV show called "the A-Team?" Bob: Nope. Rob: Didn't think so. Bob: Why? Rob: No particular reason. Bob: I also liked the recurring coffee-ring motif. That showed real insight into the plight of the Colombian coffee-picker. Rob: Picker? Bob: Right. There's only one. Rob: How's he pick all that coffee? Bob: Contact rush from all the caffeine in the coffee beans. Rob: Oh. Bob: And a few of the special effects were good. Rob: Didn't you already say that? Bob: I guess I did. Or maybe not. I dunno. The bit with the holograms, and the bit with him getting blasted through the roof of his lab, into the river five blocks away was good. Rob: And he just HAPPENED to survive that. Bob: Yep. Rob: _Still_ no problem with that? Bob: Nope. Rob: Hmmm. Bob: The characterizations were pretty bad, though. Rob: They were? Bob: No, I just said that to make you feel better. Rob: But they _were_ pretty bad. I mean, the best-developed character was that asian lab assistant who got ventilated. Bob: Hah! Didn't you catch the deep, inner meanings of the corporate dude, and the strong love triangle that developed between Darkman, the babe, and the corporate dude? Rob: No. Bob: Well, that's your problem. Rob: Uh... Bob: And while Rob strives to overcome that last conversational gambit, next week, we'll be looking at "A Clockwork Orange," and how it serves as a metaphor for the U.S. Space Program's failure to develop a coherent program for the exploitation of Mars. .....fade to black... A still showing a picture of Raisinets, Goobers, and Milk Duds appears. Meanwhile, in Iowa, a small boy was growing up.