-- Num ---- Username ---- Category ------------- Posted -- Expires --- Pages ---
| 44449 | STU_RSFURR   | STORIES              | 12/15/92 | 12/22/92 |     4    |
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| Description: new york sermons, by woody allen                                |
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  Welcome, welcome, to the Never-Ending Unorthodox Church of the
First National Bank, Member FDIC.
 
    Yea, brethren, and sisthren, we are gathered here today to mourn
the passing of one of our own into that most vile of locales...the
amusement park known far and wide as "Leftyland", operated by the
giant megaconglomerate "Lefty."
 
    The Captain, my captain, has entered INTO this domain of evil forces,
and is EVEN NOW cowering in a corner, making small whimpering noises,
and trying to ward off the large orange ball that is HITTING HIM, again,
and again, leaving large reddish marks on his face and other bits of the
body! He is TRAPPED, not only by his own foolish decision, but also by
the minions of the OTHER evil organization, ORL, which, spelled backwards
is "LRO."
 
   Beware ORL! Shun ORL, otherwise your very SOUL and SHOE will be forfeit,
because, as said before, ORL spelled backwards is LRO! And, it is OBVIOUS
to even the most VACUOUS PERSONAGE, that LRO is NOTHING but a SECRET CODE
to hide the TRUE NAME of ORL! But, brethren and sisthren, I come to you today
with the TRUE LIGHT of REVELATION! Halleujah! Say amen! It has been
REVEALED to me through HOURS of prayer, fasting, and miniature golf
that LRO is ACTUALLY "L E O"!
 
     Yea, ORL is secretly controlled by Leo! Now, you may ask, who IS Leo?
ANd I answer you, Leo is the Library computer, which has absorbed all
knowledge contained in Carrier Library, such as it is, and is now ready to
take over the WORLD! And The Captain's misery and horror are but a part of
this immense, global conspiracy! The Captain is the very representation of
over ONE-FOURTH of the JMU student populace, that is to say, the freshman
segment, and therefore, any horrors perpetrated on him will, if accompanied
by secret and MOST hideous voodoo rituals, be perptetrated on the WHOLE
FRESHMAN CLASS!
 
     Even now, the Captain, however unwittingly, is being prepared for
his role BY the forces of the immense Leftycorp conglomerate! His mind
is being carefully altered by mysterious messages left on his door! His
bathroom has been taken from him! Soon, he will be tempted by fleshly
pleasures, and then! THEN, and only then, will his world be taken from
him! He will be destroyed by the removal of his Nintendo! His signed
copy of "How Much For Just The Planet?" will be set on fire! His computer
will be repossessed by Locutius of Borg! His mind will be lost! He will
be easy prey for the foul manipulations of Leo!
 
     And we must SAVE the Captain! We must PREVENT this evil computer from
siezing control of the planet! We must DEFEAT Leftycorp before the plot can
gain any more strength! And there is only ONE way we can SAVE this poor,
poor, honorary freshman from a fate worse than death!
 
     We must remind him of his place in the world! We must concentrate his
mind on scholastic matters, to give him an anchor when all else is falling
down around him! We must THWAP him soundly at every opportunity, to ensure
his continued presence at calculus! We mustt THWAP him during golf gameswe
must THWAP him at dinner, and we must especially THWAP him in his room,the
locale where he is MOST vulnerable to Leo's evil machinations!
 
     This must be a crusade! The faithful everywhere must rally together,
to bring The Captain out from under Leo's watchful eye! I call everyone,
everywhere, to act AS ONE in the THWAPPing of The Captain! He MUST BE SAVED!
Leo MUST BE DEFEATED!
 
         let us make small "whoop"ing noises.
 
the rgt. hon. rev. ronin